It fascinates me how 2009 has been a year of extremes for me so far. From January to May I was the happiest I have ever been, doing one of the most adventurous things I've ever done, and generally having an absolutely incredible time. Every day on Semester at Sea was a good day, and every country visited was a wonderful and amazing (and often drunken) experience. I made some fantastic friends and had some absolutely incredible experiences (meeting a tribe of Himba people in northern Namibia, getting a bamboo tap tattoo in Thailand, seeing Angkor Wat at dawn, etc.).
I should have seen it coming that this summer was going to be terrible. Fuck, I did see it coming, just not to this degree. I can quote myself on the MV Explorer hanging out on the smokers deck with my friend rueing the summer to come for inevitably sucking more than sailing around the world is. I had no fucking idea. Oh those halcyon days of ignorance and love. It makes sense though, no one is entitled to having one full truly exceptional year. The bad comes hand in hand with the good. Hatred comes with love, and this has truly been a summer of hatred for me. A summer of shit for many people, but definitely one of hatred for me. Nothing has been a bigger learning experience for me than having the person I loved more than anyone or anything suddenly become the person I hate more than anyone or anything. It's both cathartic and frightening to find out how much hatred I am able to feel within myself. I never knew. I want nothing more than to see her suffer to same degree that she made me suffer in June. I hate that I want that, but I can't help it. Still working on letting the anger go. Hey, you try and deal with your partner of almost three years cheating on you with someone she just met and then leaving you to fuck said person. It isn't easy. With any luck by the time I'm forced to actually see her again back at school, I'll be in a place where I can treat her with total apathy. Right now, definitely not. Life is funny and this whole thing has reaffirmed my desire to see it out to the end, since painful as it might be at times, it's still too damn interesting to quit early. Fuck, at least I know I'm capable of feeling a full range of emotions, and that I'm only human in my desire for revenge of some sort. As much as it makes me despise myself, at least I know that it's only natural.
Here's a song that I've had on repeat for a little while now. Good breakup song, it's given me something to headbang to when I get too hateful. Crazy ass fuzzed out 60's garage rock:
You're Holding Me Down-The Buzz
I should have seen it coming that this summer was going to be terrible. Fuck, I did see it coming, just not to this degree. I can quote myself on the MV Explorer hanging out on the smokers deck with my friend rueing the summer to come for inevitably sucking more than sailing around the world is. I had no fucking idea. Oh those halcyon days of ignorance and love. It makes sense though, no one is entitled to having one full truly exceptional year. The bad comes hand in hand with the good. Hatred comes with love, and this has truly been a summer of hatred for me. A summer of shit for many people, but definitely one of hatred for me. Nothing has been a bigger learning experience for me than having the person I loved more than anyone or anything suddenly become the person I hate more than anyone or anything. It's both cathartic and frightening to find out how much hatred I am able to feel within myself. I never knew. I want nothing more than to see her suffer to same degree that she made me suffer in June. I hate that I want that, but I can't help it. Still working on letting the anger go. Hey, you try and deal with your partner of almost three years cheating on you with someone she just met and then leaving you to fuck said person. It isn't easy. With any luck by the time I'm forced to actually see her again back at school, I'll be in a place where I can treat her with total apathy. Right now, definitely not. Life is funny and this whole thing has reaffirmed my desire to see it out to the end, since painful as it might be at times, it's still too damn interesting to quit early. Fuck, at least I know I'm capable of feeling a full range of emotions, and that I'm only human in my desire for revenge of some sort. As much as it makes me despise myself, at least I know that it's only natural.
Here's a song that I've had on repeat for a little while now. Good breakup song, it's given me something to headbang to when I get too hateful. Crazy ass fuzzed out 60's garage rock:
You're Holding Me Down-The Buzz
Current Mood:
grumpy
grumpyCurrent Music: Holy Water- Peter & The Wolf
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apathetic

full




sick
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relaxed
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